I wasn’t your typical teenager, or maybe I was. I started drinking at the ripe age of thirteen years old. Honestly, a lot of teens start drinking around then, but my drinking was never normal. The first time I drank my stomach was pumped for alcohol poisoning and it only went downhill from there. As I continued to drink the way I did hospital visits became more frequent. After turning eighteen the hospital visits stopped and instead, anytime I drank, I was most likely being taken to the county jail. By the time I was nineteen years old, I had two Driving under the Influence (DUIs) and had spent more nights in jail than I could count on my hands. At the time, I couldn’t see the bigger picture because I wanted to die, but I wasn’t going to kill myself– the alcohol was slowly doing that for me. Over the last eight months after being released from jail and giving up alcohol, I’ve discovered a newfound passion for life. I want to live.
In August of 2022, I quit my job to “find myself.” It was an act of defiance because I thought I was getting better. This wasn’t the first time I tried running away from myself. The first time, I was in the midst of my addiction, and it was the summer of 2021. I got to experience living in the Santa Cruz Mountains, Yellowstone, and Grand Canyon National Park. Throughout these experiences, I never stopped drinking and without getting into trouble I was at my lowest. After the Grand Canyon, I was only home for six months and that’s when I decided to leave again. I wanted out, I didn’t want to be living my life so I decided to take a road trip to visit all the friends I’d met during seasonal work. For most of the trip, I was able to moderate my drinking, but that stopped once I was back in the Grand Canyon. It would’ve been my last stop before returning to California, but on October 18th I woke up and started drinking. Unimaginable to most, but predictable for me, I was blacked out at 5 pm and by 7 pm I was on my way to the Coconino County Jail.
When I arrived at the jail I was still belligerent but I knew what was happening. I also knew the drill– sober up in jail and leave the next day. When I woke up the next morning I found out Arizona handles their drunk-in-public cases a bit differently than California. I wouldn’t be able to leave that day because I had to wait to be seen in court. I had never spent more than 24 hours in jail but after three days I appeared in court. The judge took one look at my record and deemed me a threat to society. I was drowning myself in booze to numb but nobody cared to see. The verdict was 60 days in jail and one year of probation which I pleaded guilty to, but it broke me.
I was not cut out for jail. I don’t think anyone is but with generational trauma and institutionalization, it becomes a lifestyle. After quarantining I was moved to the general population, “level b.” I guess I’d been acting out during booking so level b was for the semi-aggressive inmates. But I was sober now, I didn’t belong there. I described the experience as an “adult high school hell hole” and with me being the happy- hippy-nature-loving spirit that I am, I tried so hard to spread positivity to the women around me. I led yoga and meditation circles and preached to the other women that we didn’t have to choose this lifestyle anymore. For most, I know it was in one ear out the other, but I needed to hear these words and I needed to believe them. I was able to write every single day and finished nine books during my stay. After 30 days I could think and feel again. This was the longest I’d been sober since age thirteen. Although I needed a reset, 60 days felt outrageous because jail was not the right environment to heal in. If it weren’t for the support of my family and friends I would be another statistic.
Today, I am over 300 days sober from alcohol. I can say that, luckily, because when I was released from jail I had a community of loved ones to lean on. I know now that I was chosen to experience these trials so that I may inspire those in similar situations. I am here to heal and to bring light to the darkness. Since my release, I’ve created an online brand called Connection Through Perception and began introducing myself as an addiction and trauma recovery advocate. Our slogan is “thriving off of love and authenticity,” which I will try to embody for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t believe you if you would’ve told me this is what I’d be doing a year ago today. I would’ve laughed, but today, I can say with confidence that I’ve found my purpose. I am a healer.
You are Exactly Where You Need To Be 