You are Exactly Where You Need To Be

“Why’d you shave your head?” “Do you know Sinéad O’Connor?” “I could never!”

I don’t remember exactly when, but a few years back I read an article on how our hair grows with us — & in turn holds onto memories, including trauma.

In the beginning of 2022 I was still living in the Grand Canyon. I was in a manic episode & wanted to shave my head but I was convinced not to. Instead, we gave myself an undercut & for the time being I “felt better” — shaving half my head because I was only showing half of my authentic self.

I came home from that seasonal job & I decided to go on a road trip after only 6 months back in my hometown.

I began cutting off pieces of hair in each state I visited & at the time, I didn’t realize how symbolic this would be.

I made it to arizona & stayed longer than I planned… a year ago today I woke up drunk & didn’t stop drinking until I was on my way to the jail.

I’d been getting arrested since I was 18, but this time was different. Arizona didn’t see damaged goods that needed help, they saw a threat to society.

Jail wasn’t what I needed, but it gave me the time to sit myself and uncover + process the layers of trauma I was holding in.

I got arrested for the last time a year ago on the 18th. But my one year sobriety is this Saturday, because it takes 3 days for alcohol to completely get out of your system.

I didn’t want to get sober but decided to mark the 21st as my last day, because I knew after then, I never wanted to put alcohol in my body again and I never wanted to come back to jail

When I got home from jail I didn’t feel like myself & cut my hair.. but it wasn’t me. I knew it was time. In doing this it would mean my hair would never ever see time in jail ever again :,)

I’ve kept it short because I’ll be off probation in December, but I think even then— I won’t have an urge to grow it back yet.

I just wanna say I wouldn’t be sober today without the immense love and encouragement I had after being released & holding this space has been so helpful in healing.